


Stupidity

by AstraKiseki



Category: Exalted
Genre: Abyssals, Crack, Deathlord, Explosion, GEM EXPLODES, Humor, Meme, Monologue, Oral Sex, Other, Toys, Volcanoes, What was I smoking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-14
Updated: 2012-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-31 03:41:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/339496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstraKiseki/pseuds/AstraKiseki





	Stupidity

"So, how to start? It all came up with some drinks from that envoy from that lady you have while we were doing reconnaissance just like you asked, sir! The Falcon talked about some of the stories from before the Usurpation and about someone with an artifact with really weird powers and it gave me an idea after he talked about it! We started talking more about it and he said it'd be a great idea if we could find one like it and use it right!   
  
"So we got it, and it looked all pretty and simple, a ball that sort of squished when you poked it and rippled when you shook it. It was really funny, and when I licked it, it was like electric essence and it felt nice. Up and down the spine like the numbing cold, so good. We were talking there and we figured it would be really good to test it on some things first! So um, we experimented and since the Falcon is a Daybreak, we decided to try a few different things like rocks and trees and stuff!   
  
"Let's see... I learned that using it with trees makes the Void really mad, since they go all crazy and flowery and I got covered in a lot of exploding juice. It happened **really** fast and Falcon was laughing about it too, like me because it tickled a lot, like a lot of leaves and petals all inside me and then all going really warm like fire and sweet. If the Neverborn didn't get really mad about it, it'd be fun to try it again! We tried different stuff, like rocks (they broke, really rumbly and short), and a dune (it turned into glass, really slick and glowy for a while and it was so pretty too), before doing the real deal.   
  
"So we both got it all ready, talking and figuring out how to dress things up and finding the right place to do it. I thought looking anything like a whore was a bad idea so I got all proper, in silk skirts so people would think I was just sitting there and the cloth would feel really nice rubbing against me too, and I got all made up to look even more alive so the guards wouldn't notice either, being aaaaaall sneaky-like and smart.  
  
"We got there and I put the sphere on a stalagmite to make it a lot easier to get it all ready and I put in the essence in there and it turned into a boy's thing like it always does. Falcon said it looked a lot like roots and tunnels in the ground that shuddered when I started rubbing it to get it all straight and hard and...   
  
"Sir, please, let me tell the whole thing, it's really important! No one interrupted but it took a while and I had to use Charms too for it, and I actually stopped stroking it and put it in my mouth and that was really weird. I could taste my sweat on the silver but there was this funny little flavor behind it and it definitely wasn't me! I know what I taste like and Falcon always washed the orb after I use it. There was something else there, I think it was sappy or something, maybe it was precum stuff?   
  
"But sucking it in my mouth let me start using the Charms I wanted, like Irresistible Succubus Style because it can't see so it has to feel and I'm better with sound and stuff! So I started licking the head of it and did you know it actually didn't have a foreskin? Oh, um, too much information, sir? Sorry, I um, thought it was really weird since the other ones created one. Yes, sir! Moving on!  
  
"There was a little shaking when I started using the Charm, and I could hear the metal rippling on my tongue and making me shiver really hard, everywhere like even my nipples and down there and my toes too! It was so warm there and it wasn't ready until I actually got it allllll down my throat and that took a little bit since I'm not one of the Lover's and I don't really know that stuff. But once it was ready, I got it all straight, got up on my tingling toes and went down really easily!  
  
"I'm almost done, sir, really, I swear! I'd even swear an oath if it didn't waste time, I'm that close to finishing the report! It was a bother going up and down and Falcon had to touch me and help me squeeze more, that's why he looks so mad at me right now since he hates that stuff, but he deserves credit for this too! It was really really hot and oozing stuff that almost hurt but Wounds Mean Nothing so I kept going like I should!  
  
"I think it took soooooo long because the target was so big but then I did one final squeeze and it got all hot and I heard the roar and Falcon picking me up all shaking and saying it was time to get going and he opened the portal that he made for this while the earth was shaking really hard and I was smelling rotten eggs. And then Gem exploded and it's now a shadowland just like how you wanted!"  
  
The echoes of the Rapturous Melody of the Last Breath's voice faded in the audience hall, leaving nothing more than silence. It wasn't an ordinary hush. No, this dumbstruck silence was vast enough to rival the Void itself. Then, with a slow, rattling creak, the impossible happened. The soul-forged armor bent forward, groaning steel hands rising upward to meet a spiked helmet, an echoing clap that rang across the room, then slowly...  
  
"... Sir?"   
  
"-heh."   
  
The Abyssal host present, men and women who had sworn to the banner of Oblivion, all took a reflexive, nervous step back at the sound, some placing their hands on their weapons as they prepared for their liege's wrath. Instead, there was a sound long forgotten, like nectar rippling across thunder, that rang out from the cold armor, into the emptiness of the hall, long and clear before fading back into silence. Finally, the Deathlord rasped.   
  
"A good tactician does not question what works. Your report is complete, Rapturous Melody, and congratulations. Carrying on."


End file.
